Children who have healthy self-esteem feel valued, accepted, confident and proud. Children suffering from low self-esteem tend to criticize themselves, feel insecure and focus on failures instead of successes. They may even question whether they are worthy, adequate and able to be loved.
The worries that accompany prolonged low self-esteem can lead to anxiety. The relationship between self-esteem and anxiety can be an endless cycle: low self-esteem triggers anxiety, and being anxious reduces self-confidence.
Self-Esteem & Anxiety Feedback Loop
Low self-esteem makes people vulnerable to obsessing over negative thoughts, which can also lead to depression.
Generally, people with low self-esteem have the following fears:
- Will I do something that shows I am not good enough?
- Will others notice?
- Will I fail, lose what I have or be abandoned?
- Will I experience humiliation, depression, devastation or despair?
According to experts, healthy self-esteem results from experiences in which children feel accepted, capable and effective. Here are some ways you can help your child build their self-esteem based on these three criteria:
Love your children unconditionally. Let your children know that you love them no matter how much they might fail or how many bad decisions they make. Perfection is not the goal. Learning, growing, trying new things and experiencing all that life has to offer is more important than winning, losing, passing or failing.
Show them you understand them. When kids feel understood by a parent, they are more likely to be accepting of themselves. Keep the lines of communication open and be an active, supportive listener.
Make them feel special. Help your children discover their interests, talents and strengths, and teach them that it is ok to feel proud of themselves.
Avoid harsh criticism. Be careful how you speak to your children - the words and tone you use impacts their self-worth.
Praise strategically. Praising your kids too much can backfire. Praise their effort and attitude rather than qualities they can't control (like their athletic ability, for example). Avoid focusing on results (such as getting an A) and emphasize their hard work, instead.
Let them do things themselves. Step back and allow your children to try new activities without holding their hand. Give them the space to take risks and make mistakes, so they learn how to solve problems on their own. Keep challenging them to reach new levels. They will feel so proud when they accomplish tasks by themselves.
Support them from a distance. When teaching them how to do new things, let them know that you are available to help them if they need it. Then let them do what they can, even if they make mistakes.
Expand their horizons. Give them plenty of opportunities to try new activities, see new places and meet different people. The more their comfort zone is expanded, the better they will handle worrisome situations in the future. However, if they are scared, encourage, but don't push too hard.
Set realistic, attainable goals. Help your children set goals that are SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and timely). When they reach their goals, they will feel joyful and proud. When they don't, they will learn other life lessons, like the value of being persistent and resilient - and gracious in defeat.
Let them make their own choices. Give your kids the chance to make some age-appropriate choices, such what outfit to wear, what snack to eat or which toy to take on vacation. Especially with younger children, you can give them three options and let them make the final decision. Allowing our kids to make their own decisions will help them feel capable, powerful and confident.
Give them responsibilities. Kids need opportunities to demonstrate their competence and value. Give them some simple chores to do around the house - no reward necessary because their reward will be how proud they feel.
ACE Protocol Summary
So next time your child faces a challenging school project or a tough social situation, remember to use the ACE protocol.
First, ensure they feel accepted through unconditional love and active, empathetic listening that validates their core worth. Second, help them feel capable by stepping back to encourage independent problem-solving and praising hard work over unchangeable traits. Third, foster a sense of effective agency by supporting realistic goal-setting, age-appropriate decision making, and meaningful household responsibilities.